


I've Got You (I Won't Let You Go)

by Melissa_Mae



Category: Star Trek
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Established Relationship, Eventual Smut, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-29
Updated: 2013-11-02
Packaged: 2017-12-25 01:15:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/946890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melissa_Mae/pseuds/Melissa_Mae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It’s hard to look for the light when you're lost in darkness.” -Anonymous</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Domestic violence and attempted rape in later chapters
> 
> Slightly OOC!Spock in parts. Established Spirk. Mckirk in later chapters. Very loosely based on the song 'I hate you, don't leave me' by Demi Lovato.

Leonard McCoy knew that life aboard the USS Enterprise would always be far from normal. He’d accepted that there were going to be bloodthirsty aliens, fatal foreign foliage, deadly diseases and the general excitement of living on a starship. Not for one second did he think that life as the ships CMO would be easy. But by far the weirdest thing to happen aboard the ship, was James Kirk actually settling down in a relationship – with a god damn Vulcan of all people.

It wasn’t that Leonard thought Kirk’s deep seeded commitment issues, caused by a childhood of neglect and abuse, rendered him incapable of sustaining a healthy relationship exactly. It was more so that he knew that Jim knew almost every female, and quite often male, species in the galaxy found him irresistible and he frequently took advantage of this. But much to everyone’s surprise since he started dating the pointy eared bastard whenever they were down on planet with a newly discovered alien race or at a formal Starfleet dinner party – Jim’s eye never strayed from Spock. The pair were practically inseparable to the point where it was weird and sometimes irritating. But over time the crew learned to accept the captain’s new behaviour meaning life soon returned to normal (well, as normal as life aboard a spaceship can be) and it wasn’t like their relationship was affecting how they worked so most people just dropped the issue

Most people, however, did not include Leonard. At every opportunity he got, whether it be lunches, physicals or shore leave, Leonard would always bring up the subject of Jim and Spock’s relationship – quite often being rude about it too. Despite his endless questions and interrogation though, Jim would always reply in the same way. Small love-struck smile, eyes averted downwards, fingers messing with something or other followed by a murmured ‘I just love him, Bones’ before either leaving or changing the subject of their conversation.

But recently Leonard had begun to notice that Jim’s reply seemed to be forced. The smile that graced his lips seemed fake, there was no twinkle in his eyes and the way he spoke sounded like he was trying to reassure himself. Over the past few weeks, Leonard had started to notice a behaviour change in his best friend. The young blond always seemed to be on guard – as though someone was going to jump out at any moment and scare him. His usual sickeningly happy grin had been replaced with a tight, empty smile. The happy spring in his step at being the youngest Captain in Starfleet history had vanished. There was something wrong with Jim.

And Leonard was starting to get worried.


	2. Chapter One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s hard to look for the light when you're lost in darkness.” - Anonymous

It was an uncharacteristically quiet day on the USS Enterprise with no oncoming threat of attack, no fancy welcoming parties thrown by horny aliens to attend, no freaky plants spewing deadly toxins at wandering ensigns and no admirals on their case for a dumb move committed by James Kirk. Leonard McCoy was taking the calmness as an opportunity to sit in the mess hall with a replicated bowl of tomato soup and not have to worry about a damn thing. Accompanying him, as usual, was Jim who was in chipper mood and babbling about the chance to spend shore leave on a newly discovered oceanic planet consisting mainly of beaches. 

“C’mon old man, even you must be excited at the prospect of spending two weeks on a beach!” Jim spoke enthusiastically using extravagant hand gestures to add effect to his words

“Watch who you’re calling old, kid.” McCoy grumbled, dropping his spoon back into his empty soup bowl, “Why’re you so excited anyway? It ain’t like the hobgoblin is gonna be willing to build sandcastles and play in the ocean with ya”

“I’ve told you not to call him that on multiple occasions,” Jim sighed with a roll of his eyes, reaching over to steal Leonard’s bread roll, “Besides, you don’t know him like I do. I got him wrapped around my little finger – he’ll do pretty much whatever I ask because he loves me,” 

“And on every occasion I’ve ignored you,” Leonard quipped as he swatted away Jim’s hand, not noticing how the younger male’s smile had faltered slightly, “Get your own food you thieving ass. And don’t go rubbing your relationship in my face. I’m a lonely soul”

Jim chuckled and slouched down in his chair where he continued to watch Leonard eat for a few moments before letting out a heavy sigh and rubbing his face with his hands.

“What’s up with you, captain perfect?” Leonard quirked an eyebrow at Jim’s behaviour, “And quit watching me eat, it’s disturbing.”

“Just thinking,” Jim shrugged, hands settling in his lap while staring blankly at the table.

His face was clear of all emotion but Leonard knew how to read him. They’d been best friends since that first meeting on the shuttle all those years ago; he’d learned how to tell when there was something troubling Jim. However he’d also learned when the younger male didn’t want to talk about whatever it was on his mind and this was one of those situations. 

“Whatever you say,” The doctor muttered before pushing his tray away from him and glancing up as Spock walked into the room, “Heads up, it’s your pointy eared boyfriend”

At the comment, Leonard watched Jim sit up a little in his seat and run his fingers through his hair self-consciously before waving Spock over with a small smile. When he arrived at their table, with a bowl of what smelt like Plomeek soup, he sat down next to Jim and offered him two fingers in a traditional Vulcan kiss. Jim gladly reciprocated and touched his own fingers to the tips of Spock’s for a brief moment before folding his hands and placing them in his lap as Spock took his spoon and began eating. 

“Doctor McCoy,” Spock nodded in greeting

“Spock,” Leonard replied leaning back in his seat a little so he could better observe how Jim’s behaviour changed around his Vulcan boyfriend

There was something about the presence of Spock beside him that made Jim lose the carefree attitude and appear more on guard. Everything about his posture was defensive. His shoulders hunched forward ever so slightly, eyes silently watching his surroundings, head lowered as though trying to avoid attention and his leg would not stop bouncing under the table. Normally Jim would be loud and cocky, not caring about whom was watching him or what people were whispering about him but that stopped completely whenever Spock walked in the room. Part of Leonard thought it was a commitment thing, Jim hadn’t had someone to properly love him his whole life and now he had Spock maybe he was worried about someone taking him away. It was puzzling but Leonard wasn’t one to pry so he didn’t say anything. Instead he silently observed the way Jim tugged at his gold command tunic, scratched at the nape of his neck and kept his head low.

“So Spock, me and Bones were talking about shore leave ‘cause it’s in a few weeks right and I was thinking about that oceanic planet we came across on Tuesday,” Jim’s enthusiastic voice filled the silence that had fallen over the three of them, “What do you think?”

Spock lifted his eyes to momentarily meet Jim’s with a cold stare, “I do not see how the choice of planet would have any effect on my decision to stay aboard the Enterprise Jim, we have discussed this.” He spoke calmly but there was a flicker of annoyance in his eyes.

At Spock’s words Jim deflated noticeably but he continued on nonetheless, “Yeah I know but it’ll be warm and you haven’t been on shore leave for ages, you’re always working in the lab, and it’ll be a chance for some quality–”

“Enough.” Spock cut Jim off and then silenced him with a warning look, “I do not wish to discuss this matter further with you, I am staying aboard the Enterprise during shore leave to oversee my experiments. I request that you stop embarrassing both yourself and me in front of Doctor McCoy.” 

“But I hardly see you anymore; you’re always working on your experiments. It’s like you don’t care.” Jim’s voice was small and had taken on a new tone, one of rejection that Leonard new all too well from when he used to talk of his childhood in Iowa

“You wish to hold this conversation now, in the presence of our senior crew who I have no doubt are eavesdropping in on this us? I understand that you did not receive the attention you desired as a child but I have work that needs attending to and I cannot simply drop everything because you are feeling lonely. Now if you will excuse me I have duties to attend.” 

Leonard frowned and made a move to protest against the way Spock had just spoken to his best friend but Jim shook his head silently, continuing to stare forward expressionlessly as Spock pushed out his chair and exited the mess hall walking in the direction of the science labs. 

“Dammit Jim, you shouldn’t let him get away with talking to you like that!” Leonard exclaimed as soon as the Vulcan was out of earshot, “It’s rude and disrespectful, not to mention mean. I swear one of these days I’m gonna inject him with a nasty case of something to take him down a peg or two,”

“Bones…” 

“I mean it Jim; he was way out of line the way he spoke to you just now! I never liked that pointy eared bastard, who does he think he is?”

“Bones.”

“Strutting around like he fucking owns the place, you may be romantically involved but hell, you’re still his superior–”

“BONES!”

Leonard stopped his rambling at Jim’s proclamation, which had attracted the attention of those sat at nearby tables, and looked up at him. With a resigned sigh he raised his hands in surrender then proceeded to cross his arms over his chest, looking at his friend expectantly as though waiting for some form of explanation that would tell him why he let himself be treated the way he did. Jim rubbed his eyes then leaned forward bracing his forearms on the table.

“It’s fine, okay? He’s just stressed, we all are, he doesn’t normally snap like that. I kept bugging him about the shore leave thing because we haven’t really spent much time together lately. You know what I’m like for getting attached, I don’t like when I’m left alone when I could be with someone,” Jim explained slowly pausing to scratch his neck for a moment, “I know he loves me, deep down, he just doesn’t show it all the time…”

Leonard let out a noise of protest but Jim shushed him with a wave of his hand, not wanting to hear a list of reasons why he was acting like an idiot. He wasn’t in the mood for another lecture on why Spock was an awful boyfriend. 

“Just…why do you stay with him? He can’t offer you the emotional stability you need and he’s a dick to you.” McCoy frowned, his forehead creasing as he did so.

Jim slouched slightly and rested his chin on the palm of his hand, looking down at the table then back up at his friend, “Because I love him, Bones.”

Leonard rolled his eyes, letting out a pitying breath before shaking his head and moving to stand up, “Well I sure hope he’s worth it,” he muttered mostly to himself before standing up and moving a couple steps away from their table, “If you wanna talk about anythin’, you can always come see me down in med bay. If I’m in a good enough mood I may even share my bourbon with ya,” he got a weak smile in response from Jim, lingered for a moment then walked away rubbing his face with his hands

“Dammit.” He cursed under his breath as worrying thoughts filled his mind, all of them concerning the young Captain and his Vulcan lover

It seemed that trouble followed Jim wherever he went, and it always had a habit of dragging Bones into the mix as well…


	3. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It’s hard to look for the light when you're lost in darkness.” -Anonymous

“Okay Christine, I’m off, I’ll see you tomorrow bright and early for Alpha shift,” Leonard waved his goodbye to his best nurse before exiting med bay with a sigh of relief.

He’d been busy since mid-afternoon after a minor explosion in the science labs left a technician with a serious leg injury in need of immediate surgery. But he was off now and, despite the mountainous piles of paperwork that seemed to grow every day, had nothing to do. So of course he headed straight to his quarters, donning his serious-doctor-frown so no one would interrupt him, relishing in the thought of being alone with his finest whiskey.

However when keyed in his security code and walked inside of his slightly larger than regulation quarters, which were perhaps the only benefit of being CMO, he was greeted by a snoring Jim Kirk curled up on his bed.  As the door slid shut behind him, Leonard keyed in the lock code and strode over to his desk where he kept his secret stash of bourbon. His eyes flicked over Jim’s sleeping body briefly before he poured himself a glass of the coppery liquid. After their conversation at lunch, Leonard assumed that Jim and Spock still hadn’t made up which would be the reason the young captain was currently curled into a tight ball atop the bed sheets.

Leonard fell down into his desk chair and picked up his glass but didn’t drink; instead he swirled the liquid around while watching the steady rise and fall of Jim’s chest as he slept. It seemed that all he did nowadays was worry about the wellbeing of his best, and probably only, friend. Jim could take care of himself, Leonard knew that, but he had insecurities that he couldn’t help and being yelled at by the person that claimed to love him would only fuel them further.  He downed half of his glass then placed it back on the table before pushing out of his chair and slowly walking over to where Jim was resting.

“What am I gonna do with you, kid?” he whispered to himself as he crouched down by the side of the bed, folding his arms over the edge of it next to Jim’s sleeping form

Upon close up inspection Leonard noticed the dried tears that stained Jim’s cheeks. There was also a fresh looking cut across his cheek that hadn’t been there that morning which made Leonard frown and gingerly reach out to run his fingertips across it. The light touch caused Jim’s brows to furrow together and his body to curl up even tighter.

“Jim?” Leonard said softly, moving his hand up to Jim’s head where he ran his fingers slowly through his blond hair, “C’mon, wake up.”

“Mhmm…” Jim mumbled sleepily, squeezing his eyes tighter together and leaning back into the touch, “Bones?” he croaked before finally blinking his eyes open to stare at Leonard with the innocence of a child

Jim rubbed his eyes roughly with his fists, wincing as his knuckles brushed over the cut. Leonard sat back on his heels dropping his hands down to his lap as he watched Jim sit up and stretch.

“How long was I out?” Jim asked while looking around the room with tired eyes

“Well you were passed out when I got back fifteen minutes ago. Didn’t have the heart to wake ya,” Leonard watched as Jim scratched at his cheeks where his tears had dried, “You wanna tell me how you got that cut?”

Jim ducked his head and raised his own fingers reaching up to trail along the cut, “Nothing special, just me being clumsy,” he mumbled, rubbing his nose before turning back to face Leonard, “Don’t worry yourself about it, Bones.”

Leonard nodded slowly and pushed himself up of the floor as Jim swung his legs over the side of the bed to stand up. It was a rare occurrence for Jim to let himself into Leonard’s quarters when he wasn’t there, and it was definitely the first time he’d fallen asleep. Normally as soon as shift finished Jim and Spock would disappear off together and no one would see them until the next day. But Leonard was beginning to notice that the couple were starting to spend more time apart. He frowned and reached for Jim’s wrist as the captain pushed past him to get to the door.

“Jim, is there anything you wanna tell me?” he asked carefully, knowing he was walking on dangerous ground

Jim’s eyes glanced down at Leonard’s hand around his wrist for a brief moment before looking up to meet the hazel eyes of his friend with a small smile, “No, everything’s fine, Bones. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay…see ya tomorrow, kid,” Leonard reluctantly dropped Jim’s wrist and watched the younger male salute him before walking out of his quarters

As the door slid shut Leonard sat on the edge of his bed and ran his hands through his hair. There was clearly something Jim wasn’t telling him and although he respected his privacy it was starting to worry him. Jim didn’t just go to Leonard’s quarters when he wasn’t there. If he was still on shift then the captain would just go to med bay and annoy him there and then they’d go back to his quarters to have a secret glass or two of bourbon. This was new. This was weird – especially when Jim had Spock to spend his time with, even if they did seem to be arguing a lot.

“I spend so much damn time worryin’ about the kid it’ll send me into an early grave,” he muttered as he pulled off his blue tunic and black undershirt, “Lights, 5 per cent.”

As the lights dimmed, Leonard tugged off his trousers and discarded them on the floor then pulled back his bed sheets and climbed into bed. He crossed his arms behind his head and just stared up into the darkness trying to think about anything but Jim. It worked for about five minutes until thoughts of ‘how did Jim get that cut?’ and ‘what if Spock leaves him like everyone else in his life did’ and even ‘what if I lose my best friend because that pointy eared bastard takes him away from me’ clouded his mind. With a frustrated grunt he rolled onto his side, pulled the covers up to his chin and shut his eyes trying not to think of how early he had to get up tomorrow for his shift as he drifted into an uneasy sleep.


	4. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's hard to find the light when you're lost in darkness." - Anonymous

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: domestic abuse

The smile fell from Jim’s face the moment he was out of Bones’ quarters. Thinking about what would be waiting for him when he got back to his own quarters was almost too much to handle. In fact part of him wanted to run very far in the opposite direction and get as far away as he could. But they were on a starship, there was only so far you could run. Spock would undoubtedly still be annoyed at him over the whole lunch debacle  but Jim being late, and being late because he was with Bones, would only make the situation worse.

On the long walk back to his own quarters Jim began to think back to when things were actually good; when he and Spock were in love and actually happy. Of course Jim was still in love with Spock but it was beginning to feel like his feelings weren’t reciprocated. So he’d gone to Bones, his best friend since the academy, for some comfort only to fall asleep before he returned from shift. It was a mess. Jim was a mess. Everything was going wrong again after he’d thought he’d got back on track. When he finally reached his and Spock’s quarters he took a deep shuddery breath and braced himself for what he knew was going to come.

“Jim.”

Jim took a deep breath and squeezed his eyes shut for 10 seconds before walking confidently into their quarters. He didn’t stop to look at Spock who was sitting at the desk in the corner of the room nor did he flinch when the doors slid shut behind him reminding him that he would be stuck here until Alpha shift first thing tomorrow.

“You are 25.91 minutes late.” Spock stood slowly and walked over to Jim with his hands behind his back

Jim couldn’t remember ever feeling as small as he felt in that moment. Despite their small height difference Spock seemed to tower over him, the neutral expression on his face only increasing Jim’s anxieties.

“I was talking to Scotty about some upgrade he wants to make,” Jim lied smoothly though he doubted Spock would believe him, “I didn’t realize I took so long, I’m sorry.”

Spock seemed to consider this for a moment and took a step forward towards Jim only for the younger blond to take a step back away from him. Showing nerves was sign of weakness, Jim had learned that the hard way, but he couldn’t help the way his eyes avoided direct contact with Spock’s or how he kept shifting his weight from foot to foot. He felt like a child being told off for not doing his homework for the third time in a row only Spock was far more intimidating that any teacher Jim had ever had.

“I do hope you have a good reason for lying to me, Jim.” Spock kept his voice even as he spoke but Jim could see the anger in the way the corners of his mouth kept twitching down into a frown, “If your…performance…at lunch earlier today was not enough, you now insist on lying to me? Have you not learned what happens to liars, James?”

Jim blinked furiously to keep the tears from falling. Tears only spurred Spock on and Jim didn’t think he could handle the extra pain tonight.

“I’m not lying,” Jim whispered, wrapping his arms around himself in a weak form of protection, “And I didn’t mean to upset you at lunch, I was just upset because we don’t ever seem to spend any time together anymore and I wanted to spend some proper time with you on shore leave. I’m sorry okay; I’m sorry Spock, please,”

The first slap, although expected, stung like a thousand beestings and had Jim covering his left cheek with his hand and attempting to shelter his face with his arms. The slap had made the cut reopen and Jim could feel the blood trickling onto his fingers. Although Spock didn’t normally leave bruises where others could see them, there had been the odd occasion where he’d given Jim a split lip or black eye that had him questioned the next day by the crew. Jim had just said it was him being clumsy.

“You are a liar.” Spock spat at him, pushing Jim harshly and sending him flying stomach first into the desk

Jim coughed and spluttered, clutching his stomach with both arms and showing Spock no sign that he would fight back. Fighting back would only result in more pain. On the occasions Jim did try to stand up for himself it only ended badly so he simply tried to protect his body from obtaining more injuries that could later be questioned by his inquisitive crew.

“Spock, please, you’re hurting me!” Jim cried helplessly, “I know you love me; I know that some part of your brain is screaming at you to stop this! I love you, Spock, I love you so much. Please stop this, please,” his begging was to no avail as Spock simply growled at him and flung him into the wall.

“Cease your whining.” Spock’s voice adopted it’s neutral tone again as he advanced slowly forward to a cowering Jim, “I have put up with your need for emotional comfort, I have watched as you interact physically with your crew, I have let you embarrass us both in front of our fellow officers and it will end. You are not to continue in your flamboyant behaviour or there will be consequences. Do you understand, James?”

Jim pressed himself as far back against the wall as he could to get away from Spock. His body was trembling, his stomach ached from being thrown into the desk, his cheek was throbbing and his tears were now falling freely from his eyes mixing with the blood that already stained his cheeks. Spock grabbed his jaw and tilted his face up so that Jim’s scared blue eyes were looking directly into the half Vulcan’s threatening brown ones.

“You will not disobey me.”

Jim tried to remember the way Bones’ fingers had felt when they were lovingly carding through his blond hair as Spock threw him roughly to the floor and kicked his side. He tried to remember the smell of the cushions on his best friends’ bed and the concern in his hazel eyes before Jim had left. Part of Jim wanted to run back to Bones right that moment and tell him everything but he knew he couldn’t.

Because a twisted part of him still loved Spock, despite all of the abuse. He felt like he deserved it for being such a train wreck. No one had loved him before. No one had really bothered with him. But Spock had, well; he had at first. Before everything went to shit and their relationship pretty much fell apart. Sure, there was still the rare day in which Spock would be as loving and as affectionate as a half Vulcan could be towards him. But those days were so few and far apart that Jim didn’t know if he’d see that side of Spock again.

Jim angrily wiped the tears and blood from his face as Spock crouched down in front of him on the floor and tried not to appear as terrified as he was.

“Pick yourself up off the floor, clean yourself up and get into bed. Don’t complain.” Spock ordered, slapping him once more cross the same cheek for good measure before marching into their bathroom.

With shaky legs Jim lifted himself from the floor and hobbled over to their bed where he sat himself down and buried his face in his hands. He’d allow himself a quick cry while Spock was out the room to get it out of his system before he got ready for bed. Although he knew it was wrong to stay and that he should get out now while he could get a head start…Jim couldn’t bring himself to get up. A monster had taken over his lover and it was destroying Jim slowly.


	5. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's hard to find the light when you're lost in darkness." - Anonymous

“Okay, that just about wraps up the meeting for today. I ask you to inform the people under your command of the changes being made. Before I adjourn this meeting, is there anything anyone would like to add?” Jim lifted his eyes from the piece of paper he’d been reading from and looked around at the people surrounding him

Leonard was sat across from Jim at the table around which all the senior staff were gathered for the weekly briefing. They were informed of events taking place, missions assigned to them by Starfleet and any changes that were being made in the near future. The meetings were boring and quite often pointless and the only reason Leonard attended was so that he could put off paperwork for another hour. His mind was still preoccupied with the events of last night which made it more difficult than usual to take in the information being given to him.

“No one? Okay. Well, I have an announcement to make before I let you go on with your duties,” Jim was grinning now which only made Leonard frown, “Starfleet has informed me of a ball that is taking place back on earth in honour of the Andorian ambassador’s visit. All senior crew of the Enterprise are invited. The ball takes place in five days and we will be on earth for a week.”

“I thought we weren’t scheduled to be back at earth for another three months?” Uhura questioned, excitement evident on her face

“So did I Lieutenant, but it seems Starfleet are pleased with the work we’ve completed so far and are giving us this amazing opportunity.” Jim shrugged and leaned back in his chair

“Do I have to go?” Leonard muttered grumpily, not particularly liking the idea of having to play nice to a bunch of stuck up admirals and aliens while wearing uncomfortable dress clothes

“I believe your status as chief medical officer classes you as ‘senior crew’ Doctor McCoy. So yes, your presence is required,” Spock spoke up for the first time that meeting and Leonard noticed his seat was a little closer to Jim’s than normal

“Uppity Vulcan bastard,” Leonard mumbled under his breath just loud enough for Sulu, who was sat to his right, to hear him

Jim had laughed a little longer than necessary at Spock’s comment which had earned him a few odd looks from the crew. But people were more interested in talking to each other about what they were going to wear than the sharp look Spock had shot Jim when he’d tried to reach for a Vulcan kiss. Or the way the excitement in Jim’s eyes seemed to flicker out and die at the rejection. Leonard noticed though. He also noticed how Jim’s left cheek was slightly swollen and how he winced ever so slightly when he stood from the table.

“Okay gang, that’s all, get back to work!” Jim smiled when he spoke but it didn’t quite meet his eyes, “Save discussing what you’re going to wear for when you’re off shift.”

There was a chorus of ‘yes Captain’ before the sound of scraping chairs and hurried footsteps filled the room as one by one everyone filed out. Leonard was the last to leave the room but instead of going back to medical bay to check up on patients he waited outside the door for Jim to come out. He wanted to confront him about what on earth had happened last night seeing as they hadn’t properly talked about it. Although it would surely be put down to Jim being overworked and finding the closest place to rest his eyes, Leonard still couldn’t shake the there’s-something-wrong feeling.

As he was waiting for Jim to come out of the room however he could hear hushed voices coming from inside. Out of curiosity he peaked around the door and saw Jim and Spock talking quickly and quietly about something of clear importance. Leonard was about to walk away when he saw that they weren’t just talking – they were arguing.

_“It was only a Vulcan kiss Spock it’s not like I wanted to make out with you!”_

_“You know that I am uncomfortable with public displays of affection, Jim, yet you still insist on it. I must ask that you stop else I shall have to enforce it some other way.”_

Jim paled at the comment and shut his mouth to stop himself from saying anything else on the matter. As Spock turned to walk away, Leonard took a couple of steps away from the door so it wouldn’t look like he had been eavesdropping and put on his best uninterested face. When the half Vulcan walked past him Leonard was pleased that he didn’t spare him a second glance. But what he’d heard had only put more worry into his mind.

“Bones?” Leonard turned around from his spot against the wall to see Jim stood there watching him nervously, “How long have you been there?”

“Only a couple minutes, what took you so long anyway?” Leonard subtly gave Jim the once over with his eyes to check for any other injuries, “I wanted to ask ya what the hell last night was about?”

Jim studied Leonard for a moment before starting to walk away down the corridor leading to the bridge, “Nothing.”

Leonard rolled his eyes. Of course he knew it wasn’t going to be as easy as asking straight out about it but he  had been expecting some sort of lousy excuse. He easily caught up to Jim who was walking deliberately quickly to avoid having to have this conversation.

“I dunno what shit you’re tryin’ to pull kid but you and I both know that there was a reason you were asleep in my quarters last night.” Leonard grabbed Jim’s arm to stop him walking any further and pulled him close so that passers-by wouldn’t hear him, “I heard you and Spock talkin’ just now. You wanna tell me what the hell’s goin’ on there?”

Jim turned on the spot and looked his friend dead in the eye, “Nothing is going on. Spock and I are fine. Stop playing detective and just stay out of my business. Report to medical bay, Doctor McCoy, that’s an order.”

With that Jim pulled his arm out of Leonard’s grip and walked away with his hands balled into fists at his sides. Leonard was taken aback. Never had he got a reaction like that from Jim. Sure they’d argued before but there was something in the tone of Jim’s voice that suggested this time was different. There was no way Leonard was going to find out what was going on with Jim when the Captain was in this kind of mood.

Cursing under his breath he turned around and headed back to medical where he’d bury himself in work for the next few hours and ignore any attempts at social interaction. Shore leave couldn’t come sooner.


	6. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's hard to look for the light when you're lost in darkness" - Anonymous

The next time Leonard saw Jim properly was the day before they were scheduled to arrive back on earth.  Up until that point tension had been high between them, both of them too stubborn to apologise. Leonard had taken to eating in his office away from the other members of the crew. While he didn’t particularly like being alone it was far better than having to see Jim. When he thought about it – this was the longest the two of them had gone without talking.

Seeing as they were getting closer to the ball, everyone was in high spirits and that only annoyed Leonard further. There had been no incidents meaning Leonard had next to no work to do and surprisingly he was beginning to loath the free time. Usually if he had no paperwork to do he’d go up to the bridge and see how Jim was doing but seeing as they were apparently in the middle of an argument he couldn’t do that. This meant that almost all of his time was either spent in his office or in his quarters. He had gone down to the rec room once for a work out but had left the moment he’d heard Jim’s voice.

It was pathetic. It wasn’t as though what Jim had said had upset Leonard exactly – it was more of a shock. Never had Jim taken that tone with him before. But Leonard was starting to notice it wasn’t only him Jim was being weird with; it was almost all of the crew. In fact his whole behaviour was changing. The thought of Jim not being an annoying brat anymore used to be unbelievable but now it was becoming a reality Leonard didn’t like it at all. Jim just wasn’t Jim if he wasn’t being a total git about something or other. Of course Leonard already had his suspicions that Spock was behind it but he couldn’t make a proper allegation without proof because that’d only piss Jim off more.

Leonard had been expecting some sort of blazing row to be the next time they spoke but he was sorely mistaken. He was minding his own business when his PADD bleeped with a message, startling him from the daydream he didn’t realise he’d fallen into. With a sigh, he tapped the screen – surprised to see that the message was from Jim.

**Message from: James Kirk**

**Sent at: 8:45pm**

_Meet me on the observation deck in 5. I need to talk to you. It’s important. – Jim_

Intrigued, Leonard immediately made his way towards the observation deck. While it wasn’t exactly his favourite place on the ship he wasn’t impartial to the odd trip when everyone else was either on shift or asleep. It was nice to sit in silence and watch the stars as he thought about how different his life had become since his divorce.

The first thing he noticed upon arrival was Jim’s silhouette against the large window. There was no one else there, just Jim, and that somehow made the setting a little more eerie.

“Jim?” Leonard called out, taking a few tentative steps towards his friend, “You okay?”

The room was silent for a moment before Jim spoke up, “C’mere, Bones.”

His voice didn’t sound normal, it sounded gravelly and weak like he’d been shouting or crying. It was most likely a personal reason and as curious as Leonard was he decided he didn’t want to say anything that could change Jim’s mind about this sudden meeting. Instead he walked over until he was a few paces away from Jim. Up close he could tell that yes, Jim had been crying and in fact he still was. His eyes stared blankly out at the passing stars as the tears slowly fell.

“Jim? What’s wrong?” Leonard slowly reached his hand out as though if he acted too quickly Jim would spook and run away

After a couple of silent moments Jim turned to face him, wiping at his tear streaked cheeks quickly before taking a deep breath and putting on a so obviously fake smile.

“I missed you, Bones,” Jim spoke quietly even though there was no one else there, “I’m sorry I was a jerk.”

Leonard was surprised to say the least. In all the time they’d been friends never had Jim admitted to be wrong. He opened and closed his mouth a couple times before settling on a kind smile.

“S’okay kid, I was bein’ nosy,” his eyes looked straight into Jim’s and immediately he knew that Jim apologizing wasn’t the reason he was here, “Is everything okay?”

By this point Jim had given up on the fake smile and now looked like he was going to have an emotional break down at any minute. His bottom lip was quivering, his breath was hitching and he was scratching harshly at his arm for no reason. Leonard reached out a hand to grab the one Jim was scratching himself with and held it for a moment, looking into the blue eyes of his friend as though willing him to say what he wanted to say.

“It’s okay, Jim. It’s only me, what’s the matter?” he said soothingly, trying not to show the hurt he felt when Jim yanked his hand away and looked around the room in case someone could see them

“I…this…I don’t…” was all Jim managed before he broke down into hysterical tears

It was the most horrible thing Leonard had ever seen – and he was a doctor. Jim’s shoulders were heaving with the force of his sobs, choked cries that he tried to muffle with his hands were escaping his mouth, his legs were shaking like they were going to collapse under him at any moment. It took all of three seconds for Leonard to snap into action. He wrapped his arms around Jims’ body to stop him from falling to the floor and gently lowered him down so that the pair of them were sitting together. Jim clung to him like a lifeline, his arms tight around Leonard’s torso while he cried shamelessly into his shirt.

“Shh, shh it’s alright. I’m here, I gotcha,” he whispered softly into Jim’s ear like he used to do to Joanna when she had a nightmare, “It’s all okay Jim, it’s me, it’s Bones.”

Jim only cried harder, pressing against Leonard with all his strength apparently trying to get as close to him as possible. All Leonard could do was hold him; rub his back and tell him it was all going to be okay. Whatever was troubling him was obviously something big that Jim wasn’t just going to be able to come out with. It was serious and by the looks of things it had been going on for a while.

“I don’t know what I did wrong, Bones. I don’t get it, why me? What did I do, Bones, what have I done?” Jim sobbed, pulling his face back a little so that he could look up at Leonard properly, “Am I a bad person?”

If there was a way for a person’s heart to be ripped from their chest, stamped on and then put back again Leonard swore he was feeling that right now. The sheer vulnerability in Jim’s eyes was heart breaking. He’d never seen his friend so low before. Not even on his birthdays where everyone would be talking about the anniversary of his father’s death or when he was talking about Tarsus or Frank. It was soul destroying.

“Jim you listen to me. You’re not a bad person; you’re an amazing Captain and a brilliant friend. When I was ready to give up you grabbed hold o’ me with both hands and pulled me along with ya until I was able to walk proper again. You saved this crew, and earth, countless times because you’re a hero,” he murmured, bringing his hands up to Jim’s face, “You are my best friend, you are loved by so many and you have so much potential. You’re Starfleet’s youngest Captain and you’re gonna go on and do great things,”

Jim watched Leonard with wide eyes while he spoke, occasionally hiccupping or coughing but other than that staying silent.

“Then…then why does…why does he hurt me?” the voice Jim spoke in was so small that Leonard only just heard him, “He says I’m bad, Bones, that I’m not good enough.”

“Who does, who says that to you darlin’?” the term of endearment slipped out by accident but neither of them noticed or cared.

Dread seeped slowly through Leonard’s mind. He thought he definitely knew who was hurting Jim but he couldn’t just accuse Spock right out – he had to wait for Jim to admit it himself.

“I can’t…I can’t,” Jim whimpered, angrily fisting at his eyes to try and stop his tears, “I can’t Bones I can’t tell you,”

“Hey, shh it’s okay, you told me this much Jim and that’s so good – I’m so proud of ya,” Leonard assured the younger male that was still latched onto him, “You don’t wanna tell me now that’s fine, but you know you always got me okay. Whenever you wanna talk some more you come straight to me because I’ll always listen to ya.”

Jim nodded at this and as Leonard wiped the tears from his best friend’s cheeks he knew that he was one step closer to finding out what the hell was going on. But until he knew for sure all he could do was be there for Jim and let him know that he’d always be there because god dammit he loved the kid.

“Thank you, for everything,” Jim smiled, it was small but it was there, “I…I don’t know what I’d do without you, Bones.”

They stood up and looked at each other for a moment before hugging, Jim pressing his face into Leonard’s neck and Leonard holding onto Jim like he were the most precious thing in the universe. After parting, Jim lingered for a moment – staring up into Leonard’s dark hazel eyes.

“Jim…” Leonard swallowed thickly; watching as Jim slowly took a step forward towards him closing the space between them, “I don’t–”

He was cut off by the soft press of Jim’s lips against his. For a brief moment he let himself enjoy how well they seemed to fit together before Jim lurched back away from him with a look of terror on his face. The pair of them stared at each other with wide eyes for a moment before Jim backed away and ran off out the door and probably as far away as he could while Leonard was left standing there like a dumbstruck idiot. As he stood there alone he couldn’t help but raise his fingers slowly to his lips – tracing over them where moments earlier Jim’s lips had been. It only made him want to find out what was happening with Jim even more…so that maybe he’d get the chance to prove that it was him that loved and cared for Jim, not Spock.   


	7. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's hard to find the light when you're lost in darkness" - Anonymous

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song that they dance to is 'So Close' by Jon McLaughlin if you want to listen to that while reading. There may be some errors in this, but it took me three hours to write and I just wanted to put it up. Apologies if it's a bit rough round the edges!

“I’ll tell ye once and I’ll tell ye again laddie, the cap’n isn’t his usual self,” Scotty told Hikaru and Pavel who he was sat with around one of the many tables in the ballroom

“Maybe it’s just stress?” Hikaru shrugged, glancing over to where Jim was stood at the edge of the dance floor with his hand clutching Spock’s forearm, the two of them in conversation with admiral Pike, “I mean he seems happy enough now.”

All three men turned to look at the captain and his Vulcan lover, observing quietly them for a moment before turning back. Jim and Pike were laughing at what seemed to be a Joke while Spock stood there stoically without a flicker of emotion on his face.

“It must be hard though, I mean imagine bein’ in a relationship wi’ someone tha’ doesn’t have emotions,” Scotty frowned at the thought, sipping his Romulan ale

“Aye do not sink ze keptin is being his usual self but aye sink he is still happy,” Chekov looked over at the captain who was now alone with Spock and leaning into him slightly

The three of them sat quietly for moment, listening to the foreign music that was playing loud over the chatter of people. The ball was amazing and they had to give it to Starfleet because they sure knew how to throw a good party. People of all shapes, sizes and races were dancing and mingling with each other around the room. Spirits were high all around and for once there was no oncoming threat of attack to worry about. They could let themselves go and enjoy the evening.

*         

Leonard McCoy stood with Nyota and Christine at the opposite end of the dance floor to Jim and Spock, not paying attention to the conversation he was having in favour of watching the captain intently. His mind kept flashing back to the previous night when Jim had kissed him. It was all he could think about. The soft feel of Jim’s lips against his, the brief but gentle hand on his chest as they’d momentarily lost themselves in the moment, the fear in Jim’s eyes as he lurched back…it haunted him.

“Earth to Leonard, hello, are you in there?” Nyota laughed, clicking her fingers in front of his face snapping him back to reality

“Oh, yeah, sorry ‘bout that. In a world of my own,” he smiled apologetically at her, reluctantly turning his gaze to her instead of Jim who so far seemed to be enjoying himself

“It’s okay, we just asked you if you noticed Jim’s sudden behaviour change,” Christine asked, sipping some alien drink she’d picked up from a table

“Oh, uhm,” Leonard paused for a moment, thinking of the best way to phrase his answer, “Probably Spock’s doing,”

Though he said the comment in jest, there was no doubt in his mind that it _was_ Spock who caused Jim’s behaviour change. Both women laughed lightly at his comment, taking it the way he had meant for them to, before going back to talking about dresses or whatever. Leonard let his gaze wonder over to Jim and Spock again who were talking with the Andorian ambassador and Admiral Komac. Leonard could tell from his spot across the room that Jim’s smile was strained and that his posture was screaming defensive. His fingers were in the crook of Spock’s forearm and bicep and he was leaning into Spock slightly, other hand in his pocket.  

“You got your eye on anyone tonight Len?” Uhura asked him, sidling up to him jokingly with a grin on her face

Leonard smiled at her, “Nah, I don’t do dancin’,” he shrugged, “Sorry.”

Uhura laughed, giving him a brief sideways hug, “What’re we going to do with you, Doctor McCoy?”

“I don’t mean to be rude Len, but…when was the last time you…y’know,” Christine inquired curiously, her head cocked to the side

“I don’t think that’s either of your business,” Leonard scowled, crossing his arms over his chest, “I ain’t discussin’ my sex life with you.”

“It wounds me that you don’t trust me, Leonard,” Uhura placed a hand over her heart and pouted before breaking out into a grin, “Whatever, I’m going to ask Scotty to dance with me.”

With that she sauntered off, walking with an elegance and grace that would make some models jealous. It was true that Nyota Uhura was beautiful. Especially tonight in her long black v-necked [dress](http://www.google.com/imgres?newwindow=1&tbm=isch&tbnid=pXynnG6gFJl52M:&imgrefurl=http://community.stylecaster.com/post/52113&docid=7FxU99vBqYnL4M&imgurl=http://ua-cdn.stylecaster.com/post/2013/03/21/52113-black-v-neck-long-beaded-top-prom-dress-2013-159-00.jpg&w=437&h=700&ei=RkRRUpyMKY3K0AWI84C4CA&zoom=1&ved=1t:3588,r:5,s:0,i:96&iact=rc&page=1&tbnh=184&tbnw=117&start=0&ndsp=25&tx=70&ty=62&biw=1366&bih=643) that made her look both classy and flirty. But Leonard had eyes for someone else. He’d known he was bi since he was 18 and in medical school when he laid eyes on his very attractive dorm mate Jonathan, but he’d not been in a proper relationship with another man before. Jim was something else entirely. Leonard knew that if Jim asked him to run away with him tonight; he’d drop everything and follow him to the ends of the universe.

“I hate to leave you here alone Len, but I promised a rather handsome Orion a dance,” Christine gestured over her shoulder, smiling sadly at him as though she knew there was someone that he wanted but couldn’t have, “Whatever it is that’s worrying you, I’m sure it’ll all work out in the end.”

“Thanks Chris,” Leonard nodded, leaning down to kiss her on the cheek before she walked away

For a while Leonard stood at the edge of the dance floor watching the happy couples move with each other. It was a beautiful setting. They were in an old theatre that probably hadn’t been used in years with a high ceiling and large windows. At the back of the room there was a small stage which held a band that were playing old 21st century music, large chandeliers hung from the ceiling lighting up the room, large tables had been set up around the edges of the room with foreign food and drink on them. The centre of the room was the allocated dance floor and many people were taking advantage of it. All kinds of interspecies couples were dancing happily with each other, having the time of their life. There were Vulcans, Orions, Andorians, Romulans and god knows who else chatting with each other as though they’d known each other forever.

The sight of everyone having such a good time made Leonard feel a pang of loneliness. Up until yesterday he hadn’t missed being in a relationship one bit. But then Jim had kissed him and he’d been reminded of all the things you can share with someone when you’re joined like that. He thought he enjoyed being alone, but it seemed that he missed being in love. Looking at Jim with Spock made him angry. Jim deserved so much better than that Vulcan asshole. Leonard would treat him so much better. It wasn’t fair how Spock got to have Jim when Leonard didn’t even have a chance.

Looking over now, Leonard couldn’t see Spock – just Jim stood at the far end of the room sitting at a table by himself watching everyone else enjoying themselves.

_“Okay ladies and gentlemen, it’s that time of night. Please find your respective partners and take to the dance floor for a waltz,”_

Leonard took a few steps back to accommodate all the new couples that were flocking excitedly to the dance floor. From where he was stood he could see Nyota and a very happy looking Scotty getting ready to dance. He’d have to make a mental note tease him about that later. The band started to play a soft song and as they did, Leonard couldn’t help but think how he hadn’t danced with anyone since his wedding. Then to Jim who was sat all on his own watching the couples wistfully, probably after begging Spock to dance with him and getting a snap of refusal.

“Dammit.” Leonard muttered under his breath after making his decision.

*         

Jim watched the couples on the dance floor moving together with a jealous glare. Why couldn’t he have someone like that to dance with? Why did Spock have to be so against everything that told people they were in a relationship? Of course he’d asked Spock to dance with him but he’d been harshly rejected and threatened before the Vulcan had stalked out of the room onto the balcony. With a self-pitying sigh he averted his gaze down to his shoes and opted to try and blank out the music and wait for the dance to be over. He’d thought that something like a ball would bring him and Spock closer together, not push them farther apart.

Jim was pulled out of his thoughts when a hand was thrust in front of his face. Looking up he saw that the hand belonged to Bones who standing above him nervously while nibbling on his lip.

“Bones?” Jim asked warily, eyes flicking to his best friends lips as he remembered what had happened last night

“Don’t ‘Bones’ me kid. D’you know how stupid I looked walkin’ over here by myself? All I’m askin’ is that you have one dance with me then you can pretend like it never happened. Make an old man happy?” Bones spoke so fast Jim almost didn’t understand him, but he did and he smiled at the thought of someone noticing him sat on his own and wanting to dance with him

“I don’t…I don’t think I should.” Jim frowned regretfully, folding his hands and placing them in his lap

Bones rolled his eyes and grabbed both of Jim’s hands, yanking him up. Jim yelped in protest, trying to pull his hands away as Bones pulled him over towards where the other couples were dancing.

“Nuh-uh, one dance won’t kill ya,” Bones grinned, seeming rather smug about getting Jim over to the dance floor where other couples were looking at them suspiciously

“Fine. One dance.” Jim rolled his eyes, placing one hand on Bones’ shoulder and the other in his hand as Bones placed his free hand on Jim’s waist

They slowly started moving to the music, Bones being a better dancer then Jim thought he would be. It wasn’t long before Jim was laughing, moving easily against Bones around the dance floor. The two of them weren’t exactly very graceful but they weren’t stepping on each other’s feet either. Most importantly they were having fun. When Bones lifted his arm for Jim to spin, he almost didn’t, but he did and he was glad he did because if was so effortless it was like they’d been dancing together forever.

Dancing with Bones made Jim stop thinking about Spock almost altogether. He lost himself in the moment, focusing on moving his feet in time with his best-friend-turned-possibly-something-more and not on the knowing looks Uhura and Christine were sending Leonard.

“This is so fun!” Jim spoke happily, looking up at Bones’ face to see him grinning as well

“You’re no Fred Astaire but you’re alright,” Bones joked, changing their position so both of his arms were wrapped around Jim’s waist – pulling their bodies flush together

Jim hesitantly wound his arms around his best friend’s neck, changing their dance to one that would normally be shared between romantic couples not best friends. Their smiles faded out until they were swaying from side to side; content not to talk and instead just looking into each other’s eyes. They were so caught up in the moment that they didn’t notice Spock had been watching them the whole time. 


	8. Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's hard to look for the light when you're lost in darkness." - Anonymous

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay wow. This chapter was so difficult for me to write and I'm so sorry if it's not at the best standard.  
> WARNING: Rape and domestic violence
> 
> Immediate continuation from the last chaper

Jim leaned forward and rested his head gently against Bones’ shoulder as the pair of them continued to sway slowly to the music. The evening was coming to an obvious end, people were slowly leaving the ballroom in small groups creating a more intimate atmosphere for those still on the dance floor. It was nice for Jim to know that they weren’t going to be back in space for another three days because it gave him a short relaxation period before the crazy started again. Perhaps he’d be able to spend some time with Bones as well if Spock was still in a mood with him

“Bones, I’m glad I’ve got you,” Jim murmured, tilting his head up to give him a better look at his best friends face

Bones smiled softly and looked down at him, “I’m glad I got you too, darlin’.”

Their private bubble was burst all too soon when Jim was pulled back out of Bones’ arms by a firm tug on his wrist. Startled, Jim looked at the accused ready to argue with them when he froze in his place. Spock.

“Might you inform me of what it is exactly that you’re doing?” Spock spoke calmly but his grip on Jim’s wrist tightened

Bones and Jim looked at each other and swallowed, neither of them wanting to admit to the intimate moment they’d been sharing. Spock glanced between them and pulled Jim closer to his side, surveying the room quickly for people that could be watching them.

“Though I believe this sort of behaviour is not below you, Doctor, I expected better.” Spock said quietly, his tone making him sound only more intimidating, “As for you.” He growled before turning to face Jim, “We will have words. In private.”

“Hey you listen to me you Vulcan bastard,” Bones started only to be cut off by a deathly glare from Spock

The colour drained from Jim’s face. What would the punishment for _this_ be? He let himself be pulled away from Bones with a desperate look over his shoulder at him before him and Spock disappeared through the large double doors at the back of the room.

 _‘Don’t fight back’_ he thought to himself, ‘ _It’ll only make things worse. Blame yourself. Don’t get Bones into trouble’_

Spock was silent for the entire journey back to their apartment block off campus. He was silent when they were in the lift that took them to the top floor where their apartment was situated. In fact he remained silent for a full fifteen minutes after they were inside with the door locked behind them. Spock had released Jim’s wrist the moment they were inside and Jim found there were crescent shaped indents in his skin from where Spock’s nails had dug into him.

The silence made everything worse. Beatings; Jim could deal with. Insults; Jim could deal with. Hell, being humiliated and demeaned in front of his friends; Jim could deal with. But the silence that was only punctured by the fast breathing of the half Vulcan a few paces away from him made Jim more afraid. For it was when Spock was silent that he was at his most deadly. It was when Spock was silent that he was deciding what he was going to do, how hard he was going to do it and whether or not Jim would still be conscious by the end of it. Images of knives and ropes flashed through Jim’s mind. If he could prepare himself for the worst then maybe it wouldn’t be so bad.

It was dark in their apartment, the only source of light being the silvery beams of moonlight seeping through the breaks between the blinds over the large windows. Their furniture formed dark silhouettes across the rooms in contrast to the light. Jim stood in front of their sofa hugging his torso and trying to remember how gently Bones had held him mere moments ago.

“Spock?” Jim whispered, his voice cracking with fear, “Spock, please look at me…”

Spock clenched his fists as Jim spoke – his shoulders rising and falling with his ragged breaths. Jim took a tentative step towards him hoping that his smart talking could get him out of a beating tonight.

Spock turned around slowly. For once his emotions were written clearly across his face. Anger. Hurt. Betrayal. Hatred.

“You.” Spock started slowly walking towards Jim, “You have humiliated me. You have made it look like I am not good enough. Do you know how much of a disgrace cheaters are on Vulcan? To cheat on your bond mate is one of the worst crimes. You have defied me. You need to be punished.”

Spock stood almost chest to chest with Jim and still had his fists clenched tight at his sides. Jim tried to regulate his breathing; in through the nose, hold for 2 seconds, out through the mouth, hold for 2 seconds, repeat. It wasn’t working. He was trembling like a leaf in an autumn wind.

“Nothing happened with me and Doctor McCoy.” Jim said softly, staring into Spock’s eyes

“Liar.” Spock growled raising his fist to punch Jim in the side, “You. Are. A. LIAR.”

The sentence was punctuated with quick punches to Jim’s side and stomach making him stumble backwards and groan in pain. Spock was practically fuming in anger as he grabbed Jim by the front of his shirt and slammed him back into the wall where he continuously punched him in the face.

“St-stop,” Jim croaked, his hands wrapped around the hand that was pinning him to the wall, “Please, please.”

Spock ignored Jim’s broken pleases and continued to punch him. In the Jaw. In the nose. In the eye. In the mouth. He wasn’t satisfied until Jim was crying and kicking at him; blood trickling out of his nose and down his face.

 _‘Don’t fight back. Submit yourself to him’_ Jim told himself as he squeezed his eyes shut to force the tears to stop

“Open your eyes. I want you to look at me,” Spock threw Jim against the bookshelf that stood in the corner of the room by their bedroom door, “Look at me. LOOK AT ME.”

Jim whimpered and hiccupped, crashing into the bookshelf back first which sent all his old hard backed books to the floor. He’d always preferred having a proper book in his hand over a PADD any day. Spock knew this. He knew of Jim’s love for literature and his obsession with poetry.

“Look what you did.” Spock gestured to the books that were strewn across the floor, “You make a mess of everything. Everywhere you go you leave destruction. You are responsible for the deaths of so many. You are not good enough. You will never be good enough. You live in the shadow of your dead father and you will never amount to him.”

Jim gripped his ears with his hands to try and block out Spock’s words. He hurt, everywhere, and he couldn’t take the painful truths. Spock knew how to get to him, he knew what hurt him the most and he used it to his advantage. It was sadistic and cruel but that didn’t matter to Spock.

“You, are a pathetic little excuse for a man. You are so desperate for attention because your own mother refused to give you any. You are so clingy because your brother abandoned you and left you on your own with your abusive step-father.” Spock was walking towards him again but this time Jim hurried away from him to the other side of the room, “You deserved every beating he gave you. You were a constant reminder to your mother of the husband she had lost. Do you ever wonder if she wished it was you that died in that explosion and not him? Because I think she does. No one would ever choose you, James Kirk, why would they? You are nothing. An insignificant. Little. Nothing.”

Jim let out a strangled cry and he sank to the floor into a small ball with Spock’s words ringing through his head. _Insignificant little nothing. Insignificant little nothing. Insignificant little nothing._ Over and over and over like a twisted form of torture. He barely registered the kick to his side or Spock lifting him up by his collar. Barely noticed that he was being dragged towards their bedroom door and then hauled through it and thrown onto their bed.

“You are NOT the man I fell in love with,” Jim screamed at Spock, scrabbling backwards up the bed until he hit the headboard, “That man was sweet and loving and told me I was the whole universe in a single being. That man whispered sweet nothings in my ear after I had a nightmare and held me when I cried. You are a MONSTER.”

Spock listened with a blank expression  from where he was stood at the end of their bed silently observing Jim’s outburst. Jim hugged his legs to his chest and cried into his knees as Spock walked over to the wardrobe.

“I *hic* I wanna go back to how we *hic* how we were,” Jim cried, the tears seeping into the cuts on his face making them sting

He looked up when there was a dip in the bed to see Spock had turned a light on and was now totally naked holding his tie in his hands. Jim’s heartbeat increased at the sight of him and he swallowed thickly trying to shuffle further up the bed.

“I have had enough of you. You need to be taught a lesson, James.” Spock said softly, moving up the bed until he was seated in front of Jim, bringing his hand up to touch Jim’s bloodied cheek

“Don’t touch me.” Jim whispered jerking back away from the contact on his aching face

Spock’s lips formed a firm line as he dropped his hand, “You will learn that you will never be able to run away from me. Now, I want you to take off your clothes and lie on your front. If you do not cooperate I will be forced to make you.”

Jim shook his head, breathing hard in and out of his nose as is dawned on him what Spock was going to do. Spock pulled Jim’s jacket from his shoulders and threw it to the floor where it was soon joined by his ripped shirt. Jim was near hyperventilating at this point and was desperately kicking and punching at Spock as he climbed up over him.

“Stop fighting me.” Spock demanded, pinning Jim’s fists above his head

“No! I will never stop fighting. Every second of every day I will fight, I will never stop trying to get away from you!” Jim sobbed, thrashing underneath Spock who had now tied Jim’s wrists to the headboard with his tie

Spock leaned down so that his lips grazed Jim’s earlobe when he spoke calmly, “Then we will do this the hard way.”

It was then that Jim noticed Spock’s erection digging into his thigh and the dread coursed through him like lightning. This hadn’t happened before. Spock had _never_ done this before. Jim tried to kick Spock off him but the half Vulcan was too strong. Slowly, Spock pulled Jim’s trousers and boxers down his legs and threw them to the rest of Jim’s clothes on the floor.

“Spock no, don’t, please, don’t do this don’t,” Jim pleaded desperately as he thrashed around trying to get free.

Spock glared at him hard and got up from the bed briefly to retrieve Jim’s tie from the floor which he used to tie across Jim’s mouth to shut him up. He trailed his fingers slowly down the blondes face as he struggled relentlessly underneath him.

“It is of no use, James. You will not escape me. You can never get away.” Spock murmured as he landed a harsh slap to Jim’s already bruised cheek.

All Jim could think about as Spock reached over him to the bedside table was Bones. Bones and how he’d only ever touched him gently with soft fingertips. Bones and how he could always tell when there was something wrong with Jim. Bones and how he was the first person that had stayed in Jim’s life because he _wanted to_ not because he had to.

Spock gave Jim no warning as he forced his legs up in the air spreading them as far as he could to the point of pain and then stuck two dry fingers into Jim’s tight heat giving him no time to adjust as he began scissoring and twisting inside him. Jim screamed into the gag, clenching his eyes shut at the burn. His chest was heaving with the urge to vomit at this point, legs still pinned to his torso by Spock’s free arm he tried to wriggle away but it was useless.

“This is what you get. Do you understand now? Can you comprehend that this is what happens to little boys who misbehave?” Spock snarled as he forced a third finger inside of Jim

Jim screamed as loud as he could into the gag on the off chance that maybe someone would happen to hear him. His head thrashed from side to side, tears now pretty much covering his cheeks. When he was a kid, his mom used to tell him that everyone deserved to be loved. It was pretty much the only remotely profound thing she’d ever told him. Jim had gone into this relationship with Spock believing that he had found someone that loved him. For the first time in his life Jim had found that he wasn’t running away from the commitment. Instead he was sticking around and giving himself completely to Spock. In the downfall of their relationship he’d told himself that he deserved it because he thought Spock loved him. But no one deserved to be _raped_ by their own boyfriend. Jim couldn’t deceive himself anymore and though he loved Spock he had to get out of their poisonous relationship before it killed him.

Spock pulled his fingers out of Jim and slicked himself with lube. Before he penetrated Jim, Spock leaned over him until their eyes were level – cold brown staring into terrified blue.

“You are nothing.” Spock whispered as he grabbed Jim’s hips with fingers hard enough to bruise and thrust balls deep into Jim

Jim screamed and cried and thrashed underneath Spock but none of it was any good. The burn was unbearable and Jim tried to get free but Spock gripped him harder. He made sure he was looking anywhere except into Spock’s emotionless brown eyes and instead opted for staring at the door hoping someone would burst in and save him.

“You will spend your life alone,” Spock spat at him, pounding into him at a relentless pace, “No one will love you.”

At that moment, Jim noticed it. There was a light coming underneath their bedroom door. He clenched his eyes shut again in relief. There was someone here. Someone had come to save him. He was going to get out. Deciding that it was all or nothing; Jim screamed as loud as he could with the gag in his mouth, praying to a God he didn’t believe him that there was someone in the apartment to save him.

What felt like hours with Spock constantly pounding into him but was in actuality mere seconds – the door to their bedroom cracked open ever so slightly. Three pairs of eyes appeared at the door but the only pair Jim was drawn to were the hazel ones that were staring right at him. Bones. Bones had come to save him. He was safe. He tried to communicate with his eyes that he needed to get out, that they needed to save him _now_ before he was ripped apart.

“Look at me. LOOK AT ME!” Spock roared, releasing one of Jim’s hips to grab his jaw and force his face back so they were looking at each other

“Get. Off. Him.”

Bones. 


	9. Chapter Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's hard to look for the light when you're lost in darkness." - Anonymous

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry for the massive gap between updates but I've had really bad writers block oh my god. I was helped by the lovely Heather (iseult1124 on tumblr) who gave me a load of ideas and helped me pull this chapter together. Hope it's okay!

“I said, get off him.”

Spock let go of Jim’s jaw and turned slowly to face the man that was standing in the entrance to room with a phaser pointing directly at his head. Jim let his head fall back against the pillows and closed his eyes. He was going to get out. He was safe now. Spock wouldn’t be able to hurt him again.

“I knew you were wise, Doctor, but I did not believe you to be stupid,” Spock’s cold emotionless voice cut through the silence that had fallen upon them

“Oh yeah? Well I knew you were an asshole, Spock, but I never thought you were a god damn rapist.” Bones shot back, his voice shaking with rage

Jim opened his eyes and turned his head over to Bones, tears still falling from his eyes. It was then that he noticed Pike and Sulu – both of them also aiming phasers at Spock. Slowly Spock extracted himself from Jim and stood so he was facing the three men. Spock was outnumbered and he knew it.

“I think it best if you come quietly Mr Spock. McCoy, untie Jim and get him the hell out of here,” Pike ordered, staring directly at Spock

Bones nodded and shoved his phaser under the waistband of his trousers before rushing over to Jim and ripping off the gag around his mouth. The moment it was off Jim sucked in several deep breaths and squeezed his eyes tightly shut.

“Bones…” Jim whimpered, voice raspy from how he’d been screaming

“Shh, you’re okay Jim we’re gonna get ya outta here,” Bones whispered before reaching up to untie his wrists

Once his wrists were released Jim stretched out his hands and slowly blinked open his eyes, lowering his hands down to his sides. Bones hovered over him with a concerned look on his face.

“I have to go, I have to leave,” Jim attempted to sit up but found it too painful

The beating from earlier had clearly had more of an effect on his body than previously anticipated but Jim couldn’t stand to stay a second longer in this apartment. He desperately tried to push himself up only to whimper in pain and fall back against the bed again. Everything hurt so much; his whole body was aching and his head was pounding painfully.

“Bones get me out; get me away from him,” Jim dug the heels of his hands into his eyes and tried to regulate his breathing

He suddenly realised that he was totally exposed to everyone in the room and let out a broken sob, removing his hands from his eyes and grasping for the sheets that were tangled around his ankles. Bones sensed his distress and tried to help him but Jim shook his head and insisted on doing it himself.

“Let me help,” Bones said gently, moving to uncurl Jim’s fingers from the sheets only to have Jim yank his hands back the moment their skin touched

“Don’t touch me, don’t,” Jim shut his eyes again and wrapped his arms tight across his chest turning his head away

 “Jim–”

“No, no, get me out,” Jim cried, sucking in breaths through his mouth in an attempt to get more air

It felt like there was an iron fist clenched around his chest preventing him from breathing properly. No matter how much he tried, Jim couldn’t get enough air into his lungs. His whole body was shaking and he was sweating,

“He’s going into shock; I need a medical team now!” Bones voice sounded far away, like he was in another room, “Jim I need you to breathe, focus on my voice.”

Footsteps, doors opening and closing, voices, beeping comms. It was all a blur of noise. Confused and scared Jim forced his eyes open to survey the scene. Spock was gone, so was Sulu, but Pike and Bones were still there. Pike was in the corner of the room talking hurriedly into his comm while Bones was kneeling down at the side of the bed so they were eye level.

“I’m scared,” Jim choked out, eyes darting around the room in search of a way out

“I know you are darlin’ but you gotta calm your breathin’ else you might get real sick,” Bones tried to keep his voice steady but his eyes were swimming with tears too

“I wanna get out of here Bones,” Jim sobbed, clenching his hands around his biceps hard enough so that his nails broke the skin while still breathing hard

“Jim you’re goin’ into shock, you _need_ to calm down,” Bones voice cracked as he reached out towards Jim to comfort him only to have Jim flinch away from his touch

“Medical team have arrived, sir,” Sulu announced, leading in a team of three men dressed in crisp white medic uniforms

Jim struggled up into a sitting position against the headboard and stared at the medics that were advancing towards him.

“No, I don’t want you, I don’t need you, leave me alone stop it,” Jim near screamed and lashed out as one of the medics started running a tricorder over him, “Bones make them stop, make them stop.”

“Jim they’re helpin’ you, please darlin’ calm down you’re gonna make yourself ill, I need you to take deep breaths can you do that for me?” Bones was crying himself by this point, no longer able to hold back over the sight of seeing Jim in such a defenceless state

Pike was stood at the back of the room staring at Jim not knowing what to do. Bones stayed kneeling by the side of the bed with his elbows propped up on it offering his hands to Jim if he wanted them. Jim was growing frantic. Everything felt like it was happening in slow motion. The medics were shouting things at each other, demanding emergency transport immediately because he needed surgery. Jim’s vision was starting to get blurry and his head felt like it weighed a tonne.

_“He’s gonna faint!”_

_“We need to get him to medical, now!”_

_“Dammit Jim, stay with me, c’mon,”_

_“Jim, Jim!”_

Then it all went black.


End file.
